An Arsehole and An Angel

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I can count on one hand the things that make me genuinely happy at this stage in my life man. There are a million and one things that I hate, loathe, despise – pick your superlatives ladies and gentlemen but anyway you swing it – the things that make me clench my fists outweigh the things that make me high five 🙂 

I hate it when just as you pick up the phone it stops ringing. I hate the self service check out at Tesco. I hate it when my head phones are wet and they slip out of my ears. I hate the way my fringe hangs in my eyes after I have washed my hair. I hate the way my jaw clicks when I chew. I hate it when I have my tobacco in my hand but cannot find adequate papers. I hate when I lose my place when I am reading. I hate adverts. I hate little scene kids with those stupid side lip piercings that listen to Fall Out Boy and actually think that their lyrics are anything other than pretentious. I hate people who assume I smoke pot because of the way I look. I hate organised – well organised anything really. I hate people who give money to animal charities when there are kids living in bins as well as kittens. I hate it when the snow falls directly in my eyes. I hate the way my bag slips off my shoulder. I hate how my socks always have holes in them. I hate it when I leave my tea too long and it over brews. I hate it when people save up what they hate about YOU and throw it back at you. I hate it when I go to push a chair back and it doesn’t move. I hate it when I bite my tongue. I hate it when people take the piss out of the way I talk. I hate the fact that I say man after everything, man. I hate the reasons why I am the way I am. I hate where I am today and was yesterday. I hate that I cannot give my daughter the world, which is the least she deserves for having the parents she has. I hate that he never calls me back. I hate it when I go upstairs and forget what I wanted. I hate being in cars. I hate it when people try to control other peoples lives. I hate not being able to help the people that need my help the most. I hate it when I can’t sleep. I hate the fact that I have more prescriptions than a pensioner. I hate how rough round the edges I am. I hate the way I am compared to everyone else. I hate the way people choose to hate me. I hate people in general. 

I love the autumn. I love my terrible singing voice. I love to dance like a lunatic. I love making pancakes. I love walking. I love the way people smile at me when I walk past them in the street. I love it when people say please and thank you. I love it when you don’t have to queue. I love really cheesy country love songs. I love the smell of dusty vinyl sleeves. I love talking to my best friend on the phone for hours about complete shit. I love doing things that other people don’t. I love that I still wear clothes I wore when I was ten. I love that I never really change. I love that I am loved by few and but needed by many. I love my name. I love the way my daughters hair smells. I love splashing in puddles and getting dirty. I love being outside. I love laughing until I have cramps in my lungs. I love rocking out in the car with my girls and not going anywhere, just driving and screaming randomly. I love what a complete and utter cunt I am sometimes. I love the in jokes I have with my brother and my sister. I love the look my Ma gives us when we do something wrong, like we are still two years old and don’t know that fire is hot. I love punching people square in the jaw when I know they really deserve it. I love how people cry with me. I love my Yaka Yaka tree Farnsworth. I love the way my goldfishes tail looks in the sunlight. I love watching the trains go past by my window. I love it when I am wearing my Iron Man t-shirt and little kids shout “Iron Man!” when I walk past them. I love how the rain makes the grass smell. I love that moment just before I fall asleep when it feels like the world is made of honey and I’m sinking through it. I love not having to lie anymore. 

But when its all said and done you only really need to love one thing in this world. When you have the one indescribably precious love, all the little things you hate become obsolete – they abondon your mind and seek solace in the background of you consciousness and somehow, everything seems little brighter without them. Thats how I feel when I’m with her. She breaks everything I think I know and rearranges the pieces in my mind in a way that makes their sharp edges kinder to my fragile psyche. 

She is my hero, my partner, my best friend, my angel, my nemesis, my daughter, my sole heir and my only reason for not giving up. She makes everyday worth it and every moment perfect even when I feel like I can’t breathe. And when she sleeps she does this thing where she rubs her nose and puts her thumb in her mouth and it kills me. Somtimes I think we both would have been better off without each other that she would have been better with a mother who wasn’t also insane and a father who, well knew how to be just so. 

I was taught that everything happens for a reason and as I get older I kinda think thats the case. People come into your life and whether they be a blessing or a curse, they leave behind something with you – whether it be love, hate, wisdom or hope – the scars or the smiles you remember them by are the only thing that will remain when they are gone. I wanna be remembered as I am. 

That is someone who burns with hatred and who never thinks twice about cutting you down. A complete and utter arsehole with the people skills of a peanut and the conscience of one too. Someone who never made you think it but always did believe in you. A person who never does anything without their entire heart. An incomplete, broken, unstable and imaginative human being who only ever did one good thing in their entire life and will be remembered fondly despite everything else for that one good thing. 

I don’t want to be remembered for who Ron was. I want to be remembered for who Molly became. She is my calling card, my saving grace and the only decent thing on this earth that I have ever had the luck or the joy to be a part of. She will either save the world with those chocolate eyes or she will destroy it with her temper, but either way people will remember me because at the end of it all – she is me. 

The only difference is – she’s a good person.

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